Tips for estate planning with your loved one

After a loved one’s dementia diagnosis, caregivers can feel thrown into an unfamiliar world; a new reality which involves scheduling doctor’s visits and creating the right treatment plan. Amid all the other responsibilities, it’s easy to forget estate planning, but inaction here can have a serious impact on your loved one’s future and legacy. Sixty two percent of Canadians have not planned for the final distribution of their assets.

While many of us find even the idea of such conversations awkward, emotional, and maybe even uncomfortable, the reality is that the window to discuss important topics surrounding estate planning is limited. No two cases of dementia are alike, and for some people the disease’s progression can take place rapidly, increasing the urgency to have these conversations while the person living with dementia can still express exactly what they want to happen.

As dementia progresses, changes in the brain due to amyloid plaque build up can reduce the ability to communicate, and it can impact logic and reasoning skills and other cognitive abilities. There’s even research that shows that as people age, their risk of falling victim to financial scams increases.

If you’re unsure how to approach conversations around estate planning with your loved one, follow the tips below. It will help ensure that your loved one’s wishes are carried out, and removes the stress you might be experiencing.

Start Small

The list of topics you’d like to discuss might feel long. Set yourself up for success by making a list of topics you want to talk about, including financial planning, estate distribution, tax concerns, and legal matters. Then, go through the list and reorder items based on topics you feel most comfortable discussing, and begin the conversation with one of those topics.

While you might have a desire to tackle the entire list in one lengthy conversation, many times sensitive topics like estate planning can trigger an emotional response. Be patient with yourself and your loved one and recognize that these conversations might need to be spread out over weeks or even months.

After each conversation you will come away with more insights on how to approach future ones. Starting these conversations early and accounting for the time you’ll both need to sort everything will reduce the stress involved for everyone involved.

Keep an Open Mind

If you’ve tried to talk with your loved one about estate planning in the past and been met with resistance, don’t let this discourage you. You might feel like you know what is best for them, but it’s helpful to approach the conversation with curiosity; if it yields surprising information about their goals for estate planning, reframe any defensiveness or resistance as curiosity, and try to ask leading questions like “Can you tell more about that?”

Remind yourself that the conversation should be centered around your loved one. You should be there to facilitate estate planning, help them get organized, make a plan for a course of action over the next few months, and listen more than speak. Get to know what their wishes are and how they want to see things unfolding. By coming to a solution together you can both feel empowered and ready to approach the future.

Solicit a Professional

Seek expert advice from a professional to ensure their financial goals and tax situation is thoroughly reviewed. Elder law attorneys specialize in long-term care and the transfer of assets, and can help guide you through estate planning.

Mary Jo Broussard Speier, an elder law and estate planning attorney at Speier Law Firm, urges people to address estate planning as soon as someone is diagnosed. “The first thing I want to impress upon everybody is you really need to deal with the legal aspects as soon as possible,” Speier told Being Patient. “Remember, dementia is a progressive condition, the fact that you’ve been diagnosed with dementia does not mean that you lack the capacity to establish or change your existing estate plan, it just means that as it progresses you may start to lose that capacity over time so you need to address it as soon as possible.”

Beyond providing their expertise on estate planning, a professional can ease the emotional aspect of these conversations too. Despite best intentions, caregivers might find that their loved one living with dementia is more comfortable sharing their wishes with a professional; they can act as a neutral third party to help them sort out their wishes before coming to you.